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Parenting Advice: How to be the "Ultimate" Parent

By: Dr. Noel Swanson, Posted on: 2007-04-19

Everyone can define a bad parent: short tempered, always criticizing, and more concerned with their affairs (in both senses of the word) than in those of their children. What makes a good parent though? How can you give your children the very best parts of yourself and help them create a good life?

John Bowlby did a lot of work looking into the effects of parenting on children during the 1960's. Bowlby coined the term "good-enough parenting". His basic premise was that as long as you avoided the sins of "bad" parenting, you were doing okay, and your children would survive. So is that merely good enough? Or do you need to do more in efforts to be the best parent possible - do you need to strife to be a "super" parent or even an "ultimate" parent? Is there really an "ultimate" parent or is that a myth perpetuated by the feminist movement?

First, let's clear this up: no one is the perfect parent. It's not possible for you to do everything right, every moment, every year of your child's life. Nor should you make that your goal. There's some truth Bowlby's concept of "good enough" - you don't need to be concerned with being perfect. Your kids WILL survive childhood and sometimes being "Good enough" is good enough.

But, like most parents, you probably have higher standards for your children than just average. There are things you can do, changes you can make to your attitude, that will give your kids the best development they could possible have. And, you can take some of the pressure off yourself at the same time. The following techniques can help you with your parenting skills so you can soon call the "ultimate" parent:

1) Remember that you are a fallible human being. You are not Superman or Wonder Woman, able to be all things to all people. Besides making mistakes along the way, you will have your own dysfunction from your past to deal with. It's attitude, not perfection that matters here.

So what does this attitude include? First be humble and know that you will always have something to learn. Be ready to have others teach you and be open to learning from the mistakes you make. You are grown up when you can look at your life and know the things you've learned about yourself as well as the things that you still need to change.

But there is a flip side to this. Constantly putting yourself down with an "I'm no good" attitude is just as bad as the "I have nothing to learn" attitude. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. Celebrate your successes. Look back to the past only long enough to learn from it, then set your sights forward, and press on in the directions YOU want to go. If you have any serious issues from the past, be brave enough to seek help and get over them.

2) Recognise you are playing a percentage game. We have all heard of them: the kids from the most abusive, deprived backgrounds who somehow manage to make huge successes of themselves. And the kids from the very best of families (as demonstrated by their siblings) who somehow go off the rails into drugs and crime.

Unfortunately, the truth is that parents are just one factor in a child's upbringing. Children are also under the influence of peers, other relatives, teachers, media figures, and anyone else they encounter on a daily basis, not to mention there own genetic predisposition. There's nothing you can do to control all of the influences. Even if you are the best, ultimate parent, you kids may still have problems. And you could be the worst parent and have the most successful children. Nothing in life is a sure thing.

So you play the percentages. You know that if you beat your kids, they are more likely to turn out bad than good. So, on average, beating your kids is probably not a good idea. Using fair and consistent discipline probably produces better odds for a successful outcome - so do that instead.

The most important thing to your success in not how your children turn out, it's more a result of you doing everything you can with all the tools you have available. You may make some mistakes, but ultimately you haven't failed as long as you did your best. If, however, you don't make an attempt to get more information or help when you need it, you have failed - you haven't done everything you could for your child, even if your decisions weren't the right ones.

3) Recognise your children are not the only things in your life. In this day and age we seem to be obsessed with the idea that the interests of the children come first, before anything else. I strongly disagree with that concept. Yes, me must consider the best interests of the child, but there are other things to consider too.

For instance, some parents wouldn't consider accepting a new position in a different city if it meant uprooting their family - taking your children away from their school and their friends.

There has to be a balance in our children's lives. By putting them first exclusively you run the danger of teaching your children that their needs and interests matter above anyone else. You are creating a selfish "me first" child. Of course we should consider our families needs when making decisions, but ultimately you have to do what's in the best interest of the entire family.

4) Keep your focus on the long term. Bringing up children can be a long process. Keep in mind your long term goals for your children - how do you want them to turn out as adults? What values, morals and interests do you have in mind? You need to think about what your children need to attain those skills and character traits.

Many times as parents we are faced with the choice of taking an easy, short-term quick fix, or a harder approach that will bear much more fruit in the long term. The TV is such a classic example of this. How easy is it, when the kids are playing up, to just switch on the TV as the electronic babysitter? A quick fix for the immediate hassle or rowdy kids. But how much better, in the long run, to spend a bit of time teaching them how to build a model, or sew a soft toy, or put together a jigsaw?

5) Look for the positives. Like you, your children will make mistakes. Forgive them. Correct them gently and move on. Always be looking for what they did right, not what they did wrong. Children crave their parents' attention. Pay attention to what they do wrong, and they will do more of it. Pay attention to what they do right, and they will be eager to please you more.

6) Don't waiver. Keep believing in you. If you're following the steps you've read here, then you are well on your way to becoming a great parent. Sometimes your kids or interfering relatives will criticize your methods or decisions. Unless you see some valid new points, don't let them get to you. Don't be afraid to say NO if you need to. This applies to both your relatives and your children.

Your decisions won't always be perfect. Sometimes you'll make mistakes and wish you could change the results, but it's far better to stick with your decisions than constantly be wishy-washy. Your children watch you and learn from your decision making and how you handle pressure. If you are consistent, your children will learn by your example.

Article Source: http://www.allthebestarticles.com

Need more expert parenting advice for your kids? Get Dr. Noel Swanson's children's behavior newsletter. It's free and highly recommended. You can find many more of Dr. Noel Swanson articles on parenting here.
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